we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
