I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
