Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
