Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
