The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
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