He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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