god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
