So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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