we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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