We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
