Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
There r osticjed everywhere
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
