And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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