Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
