Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
