Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
