Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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