All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She told me I should be a condom model.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Randomize
