I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
