I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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