I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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