Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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