you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve