The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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