remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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