I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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