I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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