how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
