She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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