I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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