My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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