Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
