That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
