3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
