...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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