No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
