we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
