Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
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He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
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I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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