She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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