Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
How external is "for external use only"?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
