if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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