I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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