Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
