I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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