conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
