My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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