Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
