**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
