I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
