So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
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it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
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