uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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