Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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