I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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