she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
