Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
