i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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