:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
