he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
