The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
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