I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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