last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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