I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
